Moron Enterprises

Well, I’m gearing up to make aggressive payments on the new home with my parents. In doing so, I have started to look over my past credit card statements to create a budget. Some conclusions I’ve come to are that I spend a lot of money on food and gas. This doesn’t even include my cash purchases, which is what I usually use when going out to bars. Going out on the town costs lots of money. It’s time to tighten up the belt. I will be eating sandwiches for lunch, possibly even a bowl of cereal. It will be tough, but you can all help me out as well.

First, when we hang out, we should always stay in as much as possible. This eliminates the high cost of buying drinks and food. When staying in, please try to host events at your places so I don’t have to use my electricity. In the event that we do have to have something at my place, please bring candles and car batteries if you want to do any activity involving electronics.

If we do have to go out, girls should bring premixed drinks in water bottles, hidden in their purses. Cups of ice can be obtained at the bar for free and drinks can be mixed in a dark corner of the bar. Every attempt should be made to steal tips left on the bar when the bartender is not looking.

All birthdays falling around the same time should be consolidated into a single celebration for the whole quarter. Holidays should be consolidated in as well. It will work as follows.

Early Months - Annie, Ariane, Desiree Tim, Vivian
Summer - Alice, Angie, Harrison, Kyung, Matt, Mirei
Fall - Fred, Halloween, Lorenzo, Randall
November - Michelle, Thanksgiving, Vicky
December - Jesus, New Year, Shum, Spencer, Susan

If I missed you, just stick your celebration in with one of the preceding groups. I don’t really care when your actual birth date is, just as long as you don’t expect a gift. I’m poor, remember?

Instead of putting out recycling for curbside pickup, please just drive by my house instead and drop cans and other goods that can be redeemed for money on my lawn. This will be an invaluable source of income.